Only kid

How many of you are the only child of your parents and staying away from home? Well if you aren’t you can’t

be explained what it is to be. And by now i bet you have already guessed I’ll still try to accomplish this uphill task.

When my mom and dad call in the evening i stay prepared with an executive summary of my last 24 hours. After the initial Hi/ Hellow whenever there’s a 2 seconds pause it means “start”. Then I go back and try to recall when I woke up in the morning and why was I so late and then I get to move on only with the satisfactory explanation that my office exploited me last night. Then it covers things like at what speed I drove to office, how many extra hours I’m working nowadays, why didn’t I call up my uncle in last 4 days etc.

And then comes the difficult part like how clean are my bedsheets and pillow covers, when was my jeans last washed and yeah the excruciating part: food. So I have to have all what I had throughout the day at the top of my mind because if I take some time to recall it means I’m just making it up. Other than the menu it covers all other important aspects like when did I have my meal, with whom did I have it, where I had it and how long did it take to finish it. They probably have an excel sheet at their end which they fill up on the go and some mathematical formula in the end decides my happiness quotient.

The slabs might look like this (for the question: how long did i take to complete my meal)

1. 05 mins: Oh my god did you have anything at all
2. 10 mins: He hated the food
3. 15 mins: Yeah it was okay
4. 20 mins: Probably he liked the food
5. 25 mins: What all did you have !!
6. 30 mins: Oh my poor kid! It was a torture; the food was so bad he had difficulty even gulping it down

No prizes for guessing that my happiness quotient in their books is always in red and they try to pull it up into green each time I go home !!

Tunday Kebab

I’m a complete foodie. I get really happy when I have good food and I honestly believe food is one of the reasons to stay alive (and not the other way round). Yeah you can compare me with Jughead if you like, I don’t mind that as long as I can have all the food in thew world and still stay that thin !

Food wise I’m strictly non vegetarian and I believe human beings are meant to be non vegetarian creatures. I mean look at our history, hunting came first and then came farming, even then we started rearing animals both for work and food and even today achievers in any field which has to do something with considerable physical efforts are all non vegetarians. But having said that it’s good that a a section of our population is vegetarian, they keep the demand in check.

Last time I discussed this with Sandy he got pissed:

Me: Sandy you are a vegetarian !! Oh my god you are missing 50% of the good things life offers man !!

Sandy: <pissed> how can you say that, I enjoy what I eat

Me: Yeah that’s because you haven’t tasted better my boy

- 2 days later -

Me: Sandy you don’t like chocolates !!! Dude you are seriously missing half of the things in life !!

Sandy: <terribly pissed> Dude last day it was 50%, today its 50%; there goes my entire life …. leave something for me atleast !!

My mom says as a kid only I was a compulsive eater. She has to kind of keep tab on my eating as I didn’t know when to stop; as long as it’s on offer I would have it. My grandmom validates the fact that half of the days during lunch I had to be convinced that I most probably had enough for lunch and dinner together.

Now that they don’t do that I do face situations. Around four years back at a bengali wedding ceremony I was done with main course and moved on to sweet dishes. So the guy serving rasgullas put a couple on my plate and looked at my face for a hint that that would be enough. For most people it is; I however insisted that he should continue serving until I ask him to stop. That day by the time i asked him to stop, my friends sitting at the table were laughing their asses off, the entire next table was scared of me, someone informed my mom that I was going on a rampage, the host had himself come down to check if it was true and the guy serving got so disgusted that he told me he has only a couple more left in his bucket and so he wanted to serve them also before he goes for a refill.

Today morning ….

Phone rings:

Me: Hello dude, happy independence day …. tell me

Iqbal: Dude are fine ? How are you feeling

Me: What do you mean ? Dude its a holiday, I woke up at 11AM, had some rawking kebabs at Tunde Kebab with you yesterday evening, the movie was more fun with people figtingin the theatre …….. hell ya I’m fine !!

Iqbal: That’s exactly why I’m asking …

Me: I don’t think I’m following you but yeah I’m fine in all aspects

Iqbal: ………… Dude either you should donate your digestive system for some research or try to make some records by eating weird things like they do on the TV. Since the morning I have spent so much time in the toilet that I have read today’s TOI 3 times over already and I only had half as much as you did !!!

– touchwood –

I’m a complete foodie. I get really happy when I have good food and I honestly believe food is one of the reasons to stay alive (and not the other way round). Yeah you can compare me with Jughead if you like, I don’t mind that as long as I can have all the food in thew world and still stay that thin !

Food wise I’m strictly non vegetarian and I believe human beings are meant to be non vegetarian creatures. I mean look at our history, hunting came first and then came farming, even then we started rearing animals both for work and food and even today achievers in any field which has to do something with considerable physical efforts are all non vegetarians. But having said that it’s good that a a section of our population is vegetarian, they keep the demand in check.

Last time I discussed this with Sandy he got pissed:

Me: Sandy you are a vegetarian !! Oh my god you are missing 50% of the good things life offers man !!

Sandy: <pissed> how can you say that, I enjoy what I eat

Me: Yeah that’s because you haven’t tasted better my boy

- 2 days later -

Me: Sandy you don’t like chocolates !!! Dude you are seriously missing half of the things in life !!

Sandy: <terribly pissed> Dude last day it was 50%, today its 50%; there goes my entire life …. leave something for me atleast !!

My mom says as a kid only I was a compulsive eater. She had to kind of keep a tab on my eating as I didn’t know when to stop; as long as it’s on offer I would have it. My grandmom validates the fact that half of the days during lunch I had to be convinced that I most probably had enough for lunch and dinner together.

Now that they don’t do that I do face situations. Around four years back at a bengali wedding ceremony I was done with main course and moved on to sweet dishes. So the guy serving rasgullas put a couple on my plate and looked at my face for a hint that that would be enough. For most people it is; I however insisted that he should continue serving until I ask him to stop. That day by the time i asked him to stop, my friends sitting at the table were laughing their asses off, the entire next table was scared of me, someone informed my mom that I was going on a rampage, the host had himself come down to check if it was true and the guy serving got so disgusted that he told me he has only a couple more left in his bucket and so he wanted to serve them also before he goes for a refill.

Today morning ….

Phone rings:

Me: Hello dude, happy independence day …. tell me

Iqbal: Dude are you fine ? How are you feeling

Me: What do you mean ? Dude its a holiday, I woke up at 11AM, had some rawking kebabs at Tunday Kebab with you yesterday evening, the movie was more fun with people figting in the theatre …….. hell ya I’m fine !!

Iqbal: That’s exactly why I’m asking …

Me: I don’t think I’m following you but yeah I’m fine in all aspects

Iqbal: ………… Dude either you should donate your digestive system for some research or try to make some records by eating weird things like they do on the TV. Since the morning I have spent so much time in the toilet that I have read today’s TOI 3 times over already and I only had half as much as you did !!!

– touchwood –

Single in Delhi

“Dude remember the pic I showed you of 3 hot girls in facebook sometime back, one of them is the girlfriend of a very good friend. He’s here in Delhi I’m going to meet him after half an hour” – says Sandy on a lazy and extremely hot summer Sunday afternoon.

Not sure I heard right especially with headphones on watching a series where a socially handicapped caltech scientist is asking his hot neighbour about her periods; I yell from the other room “You are meeting the hot girl right?”

“Duh, pull out the HEADPHONES !! Dude when will you understand that no matter how much more you watch ‘How I met your mother’ you are not going pull off a Barney on any girl. Reason 1. this is not USA where you can play ‘hey have you met Roger?’ and 2. well there’s no better way to say this but you are perhaps closer to Marshal who’ll have sex with only one girl in his life. Whatever NO, I’m going to meet a guy whose girlfriend was there in the pic, get it ?”

“Sandy, if you remember how Barney got his first girl, he would have died a virgin if born in India. Anyways I’m watching a different series now and why are you so interested in meeting a GUY in this hot summer afternoon!!?? At least I took inspiration from the playboy Barney, but I can’t believe you got inspired from his gay brother!!”

“Argh, dude I don’t know about your IQ, but your social intelliegence is dipping to new low everyday!! This guy is in Delhi and he has girlfriends almost everywhere in the country, you keep getting inspired from that stupid character but I’m talking of the real life Barney here. You can learn so many things from him !!”

“Oh that way, so what’s the plan he’s taking classes? Can I join?

“That depends; he likes chicken dishes a lot and I’m a vegetarian”

“Argh, the entire system has become corrupt!! ………. Ok done”

————- Post dinner —————-

“Sandy fucker you didn’t tell me that you’ve the songs of Kambaqt Ishq on you laptop? Nice songs man” I yell from the other room.

“Whaaaaaat ???? Can’t hear you”

“Pig, how would you hear me if all the frequencies around you are jammed by the loud music you’re playing” I walk into Sandy’s room “What’s wrong dude? it’s 11:30PM in the night, on other days it’s kind of midnight for you and today you’re like wide awake with your laptop on, high pitched music and busy getting better ROI of the broadband connection?”

   “Roger, I’m a fast learner man, I’m already putting today’s learnings into practice”

“With gtalk??? That’s like calling yourself an astronaut after using google sky”

“No, you’ve got to understand that ……… hold on now who’s this ?”

“Who, what ?”

“This girl, just pinged me, I don’t know her …. hold on she’s saying she’s from our company’s Pune office. Wow, the news is already out in the market that Sandy’s here. Hot girls that I don’t know are also pinging me !! Fuck man going at this speed I’m sure I’ll put Barney to shame”

<with lots of eroding disbelief on the entire incident and mounting disgust on the unfairness of the world>”Hmmm, good for you” and then while strolling back to my room a brilliant stroke of idea takes me back to Sandy’s door “Sandy …”

“What”

“What are the chances that this girl doesn’t really exist and someone is pulling your leg here?”

“Well the chances are decent taking into account the fact that I don’t need enemies to do this with the kind of friends that I have. But I’m sure this is real, you are just jealous”

  …. “Well just recalled, we DON’T have an office in Pune !!!! “

Internet

Recently there was a news article stating that today people spend more time in facebook than on emails accounting to upto 10% of the total time spent on net. Reading it I was like ’shit, I must be some sort of Neanderthal man that I don’t use facebook at all’. I remember the day when I spent 15 frustating mins searching for the scrapbook equivalent in facebook after a gmail alert mentioned some girl had dropped in a line there. Finally by the time I managed to find that piece of text inviting me to some arbit online slapping competition, my Joan of Arc had confidently followed a scout to an enemy castle in the AOE game going on in parallel.

I gave up on facebook that very day.

I spend much more time time in my mailbox. 

Unfortunately most of it goes in deleting spam. Gow knows why some people just assume I’m dying to get a footlong in my pants or my girl wants me to keep her awake till dawn. And yeah can’t forget the occasional money making opportunity in Nigeria or Ivory Coast just because some super brilliant investor knows that only I can be the next Mr. Buffet. I am sure a lot of people suffer from the same problem of people having high expectations from them and the investor sadly observes the entire generation highly impressed with the monk who sold his ferrari.

Yeah unless ofcourse one of these mails reach a certain Rahul Roshan.

—-

Hello  Rahul Roushan, 

My Friend,

I am Mr. David Toure. from Ivory Coast; I have the sum of US$5.5 Million dollars willing to invest it in telecommunication Project.  I wish to come to your country for  purpose  of  investing the money in your country. Due to the nature of privacy and political unstable in my country, But I will like you to provide a bank account where this money will be transferred into before my arrival, this is very  important need.

I am very serious and feel with confidence to trust you, therefore i want that you work with me and give your support to  handle the transaction.  I  need your  advice and support as well  to go about this project. I will  send you with all details as soon as your show me your  interest.

Thank you for considering my request and I look forward to working with you on this issue. If you willing to accept my offer and we shall discuss on what to be your own benefit  if you render me the help i need next. Please reply  quick with your short profile and your full contact details..

Sincerely,

David Toure.

—-

Instant reaction: delete

If it’s Rahul, the reaction is a reply. However before I move on the reply let me put gender, cultural, language and all other kinds of disclaimers

—-

Dear David,

Find three venture capitalists in copy, they can help you in your business plans.

One of them (Karthik Laxman) is expert in helping in telecommunications services in social sector. Like he can help you with poor people using your mobile services or SMSing you when they are hungry.

Second one (Vijay Haryal) is the best brain in India when it comes to launching websites. In fact you can run a whole telecommunications service on a dot com if you invest in his ideas.

The third one (Rajarshee Dutta) is expert in BlackBerry uses in telecommunications and he can take your investment to new heights. You can also refer to him as Lodu if his name is tough.

I will take 10% success fee on your investment.

Thanks again,

Rahul.

—-

Soon the interest in David’s money spreads:

—-

I’m not particularly interested in investing in telecommunications. I’d rather invest in the pornography industry. The market size of it is apparent when you realize that three of the four gentlemen in discussion use porn. (Rahul, Vijay and Rajarshee).

So you are better off contacting Vijay. He’s truly a mastermind when it comes to developing websites (I tried using his services to develop one of my porn sites, but unfortunately it didnt work out – he claimed a lot of expenses in computer monitors and peripherals – I have this feeling he jerked off after every four lines of code – Anyway). 

Rajarshee is indeed an expert in blackberries, but it has more to do with black berries than the PDA

So there. I’ve tried my best to help. All the best.

Karthik Laxman

—-

David finds unprecedented enthusiasm in Indian youth and replies:

—-

Dear  Rahul Roushan,

I am very grateful to receive your response toward my request, again i did like that you give me your support on how to go directly to establish the investment, also let me know from you whom is capable to handle the project properly, and please indicate to me a single person that i can trust will start and complete the project as a project manager, because it will not wise enough to deal with two persons at once, its a confidencial assignment to which i want you to secure the privacy with me.

i need a good advice and the righ directive to fulfill the project and secure the money into trust bank account. I agreed to give you that 10% you request for your commission to assist me, i will also arrange to come to meet you as soon as all arrangements is dully accomplished.

 +2256601**** Abidjan Cote d’Ivoire.

Thanks,

David Toure.

—-

Rahul leaves no stones unturned to get his hands on David’s money

—-

Dearest David, 

Me and my team members (all marked in copy, and all of them being leading venture capitalists) were very happy to see your second mail. We all congratulate you to have taken this bold step.

All four of us work as a team and we are are equally capable and competent to take care of whatever money you have. But if you insist upon a single project manager, we’ll have to decide it in a democratic way.

Guys, who should be the project manager amongst us to take care of David’s millions of dollars (David, if there is a penny less than a million dollars, you are going to get a hard kick on your balls)?

My vote is for Vijay Haryal.

Regards,

Rahul.

—-

However Karthik disagrees

—-

David Dude, 

What the hell is this ?? Are you fucking two-timing us ???? You are AGREEING to pay this bloody ****er 10% ?!?!? Well, if you want to mess around with these freaking bozos, good luck to you mate. But don’t come crying to me, you illiterate mother******* hydra-dickheaded caucacean pimp !

Guys, this is what this David “Dickhead” Toure wrote to me. The two timing pimp. No one loves me !!!! Waaaaaaaaahhhh !!!

“I am glad to receive your response with much advice to me, i did like to maitain my trust with someone responsible with good reputations, and honest, let me have your full contact with private email address, so that i can deal with you and with hope that you will maintain trust with me to manage the money on a better prefferable project, the money is my only hope of life, and i did not want to do any mistake by falling into wrong hand, so please give me more directive to which i can follow to secure the money.

Since its my plan to invest the money in India, therefore i want that you arrange for necessary investement procedures, because i did not know much about how to procure the license for the investment, and hope you will help to enquire the needs for me to go forward on the plan project. most impotant i need the money be quickly transfer to India bank, because our government has make new constitution that will increase rate and taxes from next year january the new law  will be effective here, before that i need to move out the money to avoid paying much taxes.”

Karthik Laxman

—-

After this David didn’t gather enough courage to send his money to India.

Driving in Delhi

Driving in delhi has its own fun. If you are a salaried person like I am, mostly you’ll end up having the cheapest car in the stretch of the road you are driving in and so you have less to lose in case of a scratch or dent. So you can comfortable rely on the Skoda or Toyota’s brakes and drive along. But yeah just don’t forget the Bajaj Auto or the fact that the Skoda guy might have a gun with him.

Autos remind me of Kolkata, my hometown. Yeah you can call it a land of autos, on certain stretch of roads they far outnumber even the stray dogs, cats and cattles counted together. And they are characteristically also very different. If you are new to Kolkata the first thing you’ll notice about them is the number of people each carry. I don’t think Bajaj even dreamt that the vehicle they designed would be carrying 7 people at one go. Yeah seven it is indeed. The first time I told this to my non-bong friends they exclaimed ‘dude even a Honda City can’t sit that many !!’. Let me try to explain how it’s done. The back seat will seat three and comfort wise would be something like Executive class of  Jet Airways compared to the rest of the seats. Ofcourse the honour goes to the women travelling and if you are a guy (unless ofcourse you’re 60 years old) and insisting on sitting in the backseat there’s high possibility you’ll be assumed to be a pussy.

Now the front row; well 4 guys seat there(rarely have I seen any girl there) including the driver. Now you must be wondering how does the driver manages the middle seat then. Well he doesn’t. He and the adjacent guy on the inner side shares the middle seat among themselves and the driver just manages to reach out to the auto handles. And for the other two on the outer side, they enjoy all the fresh air being physically out of the auto most of the times, justifying the fare only by touching a corner of the seat somewhere with their posterior portion. However the enjoyment comes with an additional responsibility of alerting the rest of the world to keep the next one feet from the auto clear on both sides. And needless to say they  do a good job.

Ok now that I’ve digressed enough let me come back to the original topic, driving in Delhi. Yeah so on the streets here it’s all about who has the longer car or the better music system. Unless ofcourse you are Haryal who believes in flaunting only the IIMA brand.

 

Place: Our former shared apartment at Sector 21 Noida

Time: 2:45PM

Situation: Haryal parking his new car with his even newer driving experience; Sandy trying to help Haryal from the outside

Sandy: … yeah now left … yeah left … go left ….. LEFT !!!!!  *#^#@&%^$#&

Haryal: dude its a steering! its either clockwise or counterclockwise !!

Sandy: ….<sigh> …… man … atleast put it on the reverse gear

Haryal: Oh ok … yeah …. Sandy keep looking man

Sandy: … <distracted> niceeee .. ….. dude check out the 2 girls coming from your right ….. 

Haryal: ……….

Sandy: ……..

Haryal: …….. more

Sandy: dude continue reversing also ….. I can’t stand here all fucking afty !

Haryal: hmm yeah … Sandy wait…… I’ve my IIMA T-Shirt on, I can impress them with it …. <oh shit, the logo is on the left hand …… ok idea …. i hold on to the steering and rotate it 180 degrees and then my left hand logo becomes visible to the right> ………………  …………………….. BANG !!

Sandy: wtf man !!!! ……. ??!!

…………

Haryal: ok now that door’s gonna cost me 5 grand …. sucks

Sandy: ……… …… you know what … atleast the girls looked

Haryal: …… *&%#$$%%$#@